Call bell rings...
Me: "How can your nurse help you?"
Patient's wife: "My husband is having a seizure"
In the background husband yells "No I'm not!"
Patient's wife: "Yes, you are honey."
Me: "I'll send your nurse in."
Me: "They put a catheter in you, sir"
Patient: "That's nice, but I don't really need a carpenter." (he was hard of hearing)
ER Doctor: "Her tooth to tattoo ratio is not looking good. When you have more tattoos than teeth, you know you have problems."
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