GLAMOROUS...OR NOT?

     Life can be blatantly un-glamorous.  Not that my life is that glamorous on a daily basis (I went to college to get a degree in poop-wiping and FUPA holding), but sometimes I stop and realize how un-glamorous a situation is, and I hope and pray that the experience is character-building if nothing else, otherwise I might just break down in tears...or laughter.  I just had one of those moments.  One of those moments when you stop and think "this is pathetic".  It happened when I realized I had chocolate pudding on my face.  Here is how that came about.  When you are sick you don't really care about one thing or another, and if a food item sounds good, you eat it.  Well, I was in one of my really hot-sweating-can't-get-cool-my-clothes-are-sticking to-me-and-my-hair-is-wet-with-perspiration hot phases when I got out of bed and took all of my clothes off.  Then I went into the kitchen to see if anything sounded appetizing.  I decided chilled chocolate pudding might do the trick, so I pulled a container out of the fridge and went to find a spoon.  Of course since it is just me here I only run the dishwasher once a week or so, and I had no clean spoons.  I briefly contemplated using a fork, but then decided a soup ladle might work better.  I proceeded to eat my pudding.  It was then that I realized I was standing naked, in my kitchen, eating chocolate pudding out of the container with a soup ladle, and had chocolate pudding all over my face, that I realized just how pathetic the situation was.  Unfortunately, this wasn't the first pathetic situation I have been in, and I am sure many more are to come.
     Lately I have been realizing how much Hollywood and the media glamorize EVERYTHING.  A recent revelation of that was when I was at work the other night, frustrated with decisions being made that would eventually unknowingly assist in the demise of my patient.  It was life or death.  It was stressful.  I was holding back tears.  After the patient was flown out in the helicopter, I was in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror, and I remember thinking, no song in the background a la Grey's Anatomy could make this situation seem better.  You know, when there is some kind of big event or turning point, and the sad music plays and it shows the doctor or nurse sitting alone in the stairwell or the bathroom and you think, "gee, that is so dramatic and epic"?  Yeah, life isn't really like that.  Life is standing naked eating chocolate pudding in your kitchen when you are sick.  Life is sitting with your turtle at 5am before work listening to Phil Collins on the radio.  Life is cleaning up messes and putting destroyed bodies in body bags after you have tried every humanly possible thing to keep someone alive.  Life is having to drive to school with your head out the window in a sleet storm because your windshield wipers stop working, and no matter what kind of music is playing along, life goes on.
     I sure hope life has more glamorous experiences in store for me, and maybe all these un-glamorous experiences make the glamorous that much more exciting.  I can think of a few experiences when I have felt truly glamorous.  Probably the most recent being dressed up in short dresses and high heels, looking fantastic in Las Vegas heading out to the nightclubs with my girlfriends and getting to the club and having the security guards say "Of course you are on The list, right this way ladies" and having the velvet ropes unhooked for us while jealous people still in the waiting line give us dirty looks.  Or when I was in NYC with one of my best friends and we went to a movie set that was setup in her office building and during the break the lead actor made it a point to come over and flirt with us and only went back to filming after the director yelled at him to get back to work 10 minutes later. Life is all about balance, but somehow the un-glamorous seems to out number the glamorous.  I guess one way to remedy that is to look for the glamour in the every-day. 

Stupid bug

I have been seeing people bitten by the flu bug alot over the last couple of months and it finally bit me.  Ug.  Being sick really makes you realize how much you take for granted on a daily basis, and gives me a little empathy with my patients.  I don't know how many times we tell the patients with fevers that they can't bundle up..."Your temperature is 103.  Take off the snowsuit" but I don't think I am ever going to deny anyone a blanket again!  When I am not sweating and burning up I am shivering and my teeth are chattering.  If I didn't have a warm blanket and my rice-filled bed buddy, I would have to logically assume that death would be next in the uncomfortable scale.  It is easy when you are healthy to minimize other's suffering.  Too often if it doesn't affect us, it is not our problem.  Maybe there is something to be learned by getting sick for me.  Now, off to sleep after I finish this umpteenth bottle of water....

Some recent doozies

"I'm going to bite your bellybutton" - full grown male patient to male nurse

20 year old pysch patient: "I'm sorry nurse, I can't take these pills."
Me: "Why not?"
Patient: "Because they are going to change me and I am my OWN man.  I have my beliefs and nothing is going to change me.  I am who my OWN person.  Nothing is going to change my mind.  The doctor doesn't understand me.  I am NOT taking theses!" (holds cup of pills back out to me)
Me: "If you don't take them, the doctor will just order a shot instead."
Patient: "Oh. Ok." (takes pills)

"Why you ain't nothin' but a CHILD" - patient to me

"Where you be hurtin'?" - almost said by ME to patient...scary

"I'm going to lick your dolphin" - same full grown male patient to male nurse (male nurse had dolphin earring)

Wife of pt: "His kidneys hurt so bad they had to call the neurologist!"
Me: "You mean the nephrologist?"
Wife: "What?"

"I am going to be bringing in my sputum, urine, poop and sperm to have analyzed, ok?" - pt. over telephone to ER nurse

"Pain 10++++++++++++++++++++++" -triage slip

EMS report call at 2am "We will be transporting three female patients at this time.  The chief complaints are toothache, menstrual cramps, and one wants a pregnancy test"

EMS report: "We were called to scene for seizure, upon arrival pt appeared to be seizing and convulsing on floor.  Pt able to stop seizing when we arrived to tell us he was going to be fine, then he resumed seizing."

Patient: "I was assaulted"
Me: "With what kind of instrument?"
Patient: "A pool stick"

Nurse: "What's going on over at that bar tonight?"
Policeman: "Not much, just a few drug deals gone bad."

Patient: "This oxygen is burning my nose!  Too much, too much!!"

Dia de mi hermano

Dear BWK:
Happy Birthday Big Brother!  Wish I could be there for the delicious meal tonight.  I heard what mom is making and am so jealous.  I will probably have rice and hot sauce like I usually do when I work.  So...26 years on planet earth.  Have you learned anything since age 4 that is really worth knowing?  Supposedly you learn 90% of what you will your entire life somewhere around that age.  Here are a few things I learned about you, not all in that age range, mainly because I don't remember much at that age other than we enjoyed David the Gnome together.  Here goes:  1) I had a partner in crime/twin from the moment I met you at the hospital on May 21, a year and a half after you were born.  2) I would do anything in the world for you then, and now.  3) You think leprechaun poop is the funniest thing ever. 4) I have a hunch you might secretly enjoy watching Sex and the City. 5) You are a master fisherman, like dad and grandpa. 6) You were a real sport in college for letting me borrow your car, Thelma, to go train my pig for the livestock management class.  I am sorry the smell never really came out. 7) You would make me so mad because I would practice a song on the piano for hours and you could appear and play it by ear within minutes. 8) You can always win kids over with your flipper tooth. 9) We have the same political views (yay!). 10) You still side with me when it comes to picking sides in an argument between me and a pretty girl.  11)  Your sweaty soccer socks on the heater in the the Land Cruiser really might have affected my olfactory sense for life. 12) I am jealous of your eyelashes. 13) Pretty sure you could survive in the Canadian wilderness with nothing but the clothes on your back. Jealous of that too. 14) I would pay money to have seen you in Europe maneuvering those roundabouts in your little car with moss growing on it.  15) You are going to be the best uncle EVER.  16) Don't worry, those beasts in Willow are just dogs in costume, they aren't real. 17) Building forts with you is awesome. 18) I am always excited to see your latest artistic projects. 19) Hunter Safety class wouldn't have been the same without you. 20) You are someone for me to respect, admire and love, and I am thankful every day you are my brother.  Now, here is a link for you for old time's sake.  xoxox and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  B's Special Birthday Link

Love you always and forever - - L

Ola Brasil!

That last post was classic.  I was in the middle of trying to convert back to a nighttime schedule and literally woke up in the middle of 12 hours of sleep to write something.  I could hardly keep my eyes open to turn on my laptop and then I nodded off a few times while thinking of something to write.  Obviously I pulled out a gem of a post.  Ha ha ha! 

Yesterday I visited Brazil, in waxing terminology that is.  What we do in the name of beauty.... The aesthetician was very nice and professional and it didn't hurt as bad as I had expected but I warn you, it is not for the faint of heart!!  She gave me a few Aleve before the procedure, which I am sure helped.   I feel like afterwards you feel instantly more attractive, at least I did.  We will see how long that feeling lasts.

This a.m. I got up early and went to the YMCA to swim laps.  Good lord.  What possesses people, myself included, to get up in the dark early hours of the morning, get in a freezing cold car, drive, take off all your clothes in a tiled room with strangers, put on unflattering spandex/nylon, jump into a cold pool of chemical-ized water with a rubber hat on, and proceed to flop around in the water until your lungs feel like they are going to explode and your legs cramp up?  The pursuit of health of course!  Right afterwards I came home and it was still dark and I crawled into my bed and passed out.  My pillows smell like chlorine now.  Who knows, I have hated exercise (yes, I am purposely using that strong of a word to describe my feelings regarding the topic) thus far and thought something non-impact after spending so much time on my feet would be good/more enjoyable.  We shall see...

PS - There has got to be a name for this law...if not, I will claim it, but why is it that EVERY time I roll out of bed and put on a sweatshirt and drive to the grocery store and don't wash my face/want to be seen, I see cute guys?  I guarantee if I had showered and put on makeup and a cute outfit, it would have been geriatric hour there and not a cute guy under 40 in a 5-mile radius. Sheesh.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's

Sooooooooo tired. Sweet dreans all.

It's Fo REAL!!

Tonight I am ordering my bridesmaid dress for Banana's wedding.  I still don't think it has set in that she is getting married...maybe when I am standing up at the front with her in her wedding dress it will seem real.  It is hard being away for all the wedding plans, I feel like we have been planning this since we were five.  Granted, when we made wedding plans at that age she was always the groom, but still.  Or we planned on marrying dad.  I guess neither of those worked out.  I remember when she came home from her first date with Z, we were living together in college and I stayed up to see how it was.  After she finally got home (very very late I might add) she came into the room absolutely giddy with happiness.  "You're going to marry this boy, aren't you?" I remember saying.  She just smiled.  Like they say, the rest is history. 

     Being the fashionable and fabulous person she is, she decided to go with all different styles of bridesmaid dresses, and we wanted to make sure we had different neck-lines, so as soon as she had an idea about hers we could decide on mine.  Looking at bridesmaid dresses I am noticing a definite trend towards the 80's styles of dropped waist lines, ruffles, tiers and bows.  I love it.  It's 80's styles in 2011 colors, muted jewel tones and neutrals.  I would not mind seeing a few sequins here and there though...check out these from J. Crew Wedding:

Lator gator.

A few of my (current) favorite things

1) The song "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele...listen to it here
2) Dark chocolate pudding
3) The show Glory Daze on TBS
4) French bulldogs
5) Quizzes on http://theoatmeal.com/quizzes
6) Personalized romance novels
7) Lancome La Base Pro makeup primer
8) Asymmetrical outerwear
9) Spinach, goat cheese, tomato, pesto and cucumber sandwiches
10) Pittsburgh Steelers - - Roethlisberger

I wonder

I wonder if my parents were cool in the 80's.  Lately I have been watching Glory Daze on TBS and it is awesome.  It takes place in 1986, the year I was born.  What kind of music did my parents listen to in the 80's?  What did they think of parachute pants and shoulder pads?  Actually I remember playing in some of my mom's clothes and they definitely had shoulder pads, so I am going to say she liked them.  I also saw a picture once of my mom in HUGE Nicole Ritchie sunglasses circa 1985.  It is so strange to think about your parents and their lives before yourself...I always assumed that my parents lives never really started until May 21, 1986 when I was born.  Isn't that funny?  Who did my mom have a celebrity crush on?  Did she love Toto and Prince and Blondie and Michael Jackson?  Now that I am thinking about it, it seems crazy how little I know about my parent's lives before I showed up.  I know they must have enjoyed Top Gun though, because I remember that movie always being around growing up and I could recite lines from it by age 5.  "I feel the need, the need, for speed!".  This might have been yelled at my little sister while I pushed her in the wheelbarrow around the yard.  I don't know for sure.  All I know is that when I call my parents tonight I am going to ask them a ton of questions about the awesome 80's.  I bet I learn a few things. ; )

Delicious

Last night I had the best dinner with some friends.  We started out with fried green tomatoes with goat cheese and a shrimp artichoke dip.  I had the mango sweet tea of course, and for my main dish I had the mahi mahi fish tacos with the homemade salsa, slaw and smoked gouda grits with the vegetable creme fraiche sauce.  Soooo goood.  My next goal is to find a really good recipe of shrimp and grits and master it for the family this summer....

Oh Baby

This morning I got to play with a baby.  I got to wash her and feed her and hold her and dress her and put lotion on her and count her toes.  Babies are really slippery when they are wet, and sometimes they like to buck backwards out of your arms.  They are also a mess to feed when they are just learning to be spoon fed.  I don't know what it is exactly that makes babies so fantastic, but they are.  I don't want one of my own right now, but getting to play with one is awesome.  Is it their potential that makes them so fantastic?  Their uncomplicated emotion?  The way they smell?  The way they make that little scrunchy face?  The miniature clothes?  No matter what the circumstances, a baby is a baby and I think it is their helplessness and their potential to turn into something wonderful that makes them so enchanting.  The other day I was angry with patients, life, the world, and I told my mom that something had to change in this world before I was going to bring a child of my own into it.  Instead of being upset at the thought of no grand-babies from her second child, she said that she was not worried because there was no chance I was going to have a baby any time soon anyways.  That made my argument a lot less dramatic.  Thanks mom...and don't worry, I am pretty sure that container you are already filling with hand-knitted baby booties and sweaters, well, someday I will put it to use.  : )

Beautiful morning

 I got up early this morning to take some pictures, I knew it was going to be foggy and it turned into a beautiful sunrise.  See for yourself. 

Photos copyright 2011 Lauren Konkel

What the....?

Yesterday I was talking with a physician and a physician's assistant about the sad condition the United States is in.  We were discussing the poor health care system, justice system and education system, having a real, grown-up conversation, and I said that I wanted to start my own country.  The physician said "Interestingly, there has been a dramatic increase in the number of American families moving to Singapore recently, just looking for a simpler way of life."  To this I intelligently replied "I don't like Japan, they slaughter dolphins."  Oh. My. Gosh.  The worst part was that there was a few second lull in the conversation and a funny look at me and then the physician's assistant filled the silence with "Well, anyways..." and proceeded to change the subject. It wasn't until I got home and looked on a map that I realized Singapore is NOT in Japan, and is not even located near it.  I love saying highly intelligent things in the the presence of very smart people.  When I was back at work this morning, I asked the PA if last night he thought my reply to the Singapore comment was odd.  "Yes," he said, "I did, but I chose to ignore it".  Ha.  If I catch a few dumb replies and statements I make every day when I get home from work, imagine how many I am not catching.  Brilliant.

Not on top of it

Tonight is my 6th night of work out of the last 7...I am ready for a little break.  At work when it has been a long night or week or whatever, people react differently.  Some get quiet, some get angry and irritated, some burst into tears, some people take up chain smoking.  Sometimes I get quiet and angry, but alot of the time I get goofy. Sometimes I start laughing and can't stop.  I think laughter is right on the other side of tears.  Something will happen and it will be the funniest thing in the world, sometimes even in a morbid, twisted way.  If someone asked me what the most important quality for someone in my line of work to have is, I would have to say "intelligence/common sense" but a VERY close second would be humor.  Life is hard.  Life is sad.  Bad things happen to good people.  Life changes in an instant.  No one knows this better than nurses.  So, besides ginormous breakfasts out with my co-workers when I get off work, humor has been the thing that has saved me thus far.  Honestly, what can you do when you have an unconscious 700lb man in a stretcher and are trying to get a rectal temperature and it is taking 6 people and you are doing everything and nothing is working?  Cry?  No.  Stomp out of the room?  No.  Laugh?  Yes.  Some people see jokes in intense situations as crass and unfeeling, but when you are surrounded by death and bad decision after bad decision, do you want someone next to you that is going to make you laugh or someone who is going to burst into tears?  I love a good laugh, and have had some of my best laughs ever at work.  Laughter can diffuse tension like none other and is much healthier than chain smoking, ecstasy, anger or binge drinking.  So, next time you are in a tough situation, try to find something funny.  Even if you have no one to share it with, it will still make you feel better.  When I first started work, I was alone and scared to death, so I pretended I was on an episode of Scrubs.  JD and Turk always find humor in all things hospital related, so I figured I could too.  That is what got me through orientation.  I didn't have anyone to share things with, but personally I found it hilarious that when we were divided into teams to create a maze using hand-eye coordination, my team lost because we had the only blind employee on our team.  How was she supposed to catch a marble someone sent rolling her way?  I also think it was hilarious when I asked during the tour what a "birfing center" was because I genuinely had no idea that in the South, the letter f replaces 99% of th's.  Oh, lovely laughter.  I might end up in jail at some point in my life but you can bet your money I will be sitting there trying my hardest to think up something funny that happened in the events prior to my arrest.  : )

Bang Head Here

Last night I had a patient's daughter (grown up) tell me that her mother was allergic to all generic medicines.  Instead of just nodding and smiling I stupidly attempted to explain that medication is made up of the same chemical compounds, regardless of the label.  At this the daughter just became angry at me and started to yell.  When am I ever going to learn to just smile and nod, all the time, every time?  Arguing with a stupid person is like arguing with a drunk person, there is no such thing as logic and you cannot win.  One thing I have learned at my work is that some things are worth fighting for, but most are not.  Just smile and nod and agree and say "I understand" over and over and over.  People are not happy.  People are not logical.  People think that they are the most important thing in the world.  I am learning this.  A select few people are getting smarter, and yes, we have more technology and scientific advances than ever before, but I can't help but feel we are losing common sense.  Maybe that is just where I am currently located, geographically speaking.... 

New Favorite

Two fish are sitting in a tank.  One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?".

Making these lists is harder than you think...

Lauren's Hot List                                                              Lauren's Not List


horn rimmed glasses                                                         frameless glasses
diet ginger ale                                                                    Red Bull
jewelry with animals                                                          cocktail rings
the movie Hanna with Cate Blanchett                           anything with Angelina Jolie
laughing at yourself                                                          taking things too seriously
ballerina buns (hair)                                                          angular bobs
Apparition                                                                          Airplane travel
liquid eyeliner                                                                     smeared eyeliner
family names for babies                                                     invented names for babies
maps                                                                                     unburnt candles sitting out
shimmery makeup                                                              glitter-chunk makeup
cute hats                                                                              animal prints
Love and Toast perfume                                                   perfume you can smell a mile away

reverse French manicures                                                 brown nail polish

prints                                                                                    stripes
modesty (in fashion)                                                          nudity (in fashion)
Selkies                                                                                  Vampires
tulle skirts                                                                            little house on the prairie skirts

Just like the pig!

Last night there was a little girl, and when one of the employees asked her name, she said "My name is Olivia!  Just like the pig!".  For those of you who don't know, Olivia is a children's book about a little pig that wears a red dress and red and white tights.  This little girl pretty much made my night because it made me remember all my favorite books as a kid and how special you felt if you had the same name as one of the characters.  Then I had a dream today that I found all these books I love from my childhood and got to just sit and read and read.  I know the dream was from me thinking about it, but children's books are one of my all-time favorite things.  Elouise, Good Night Moon, Runaway Bunny, Roald Dahl, Roxaboxen, Gurious George, Stephen Kellog, Little Critter books, The Berenstein Bears, Babar, Heckedy Peg...the list goes on and on.  Thanks little girl for reminding me of such wonderful times and the books that got me started.

Community Laundry

So every other week I dread doing my laundry.  There is a community laundry room with washers and dryers here at the complex where I live, but I hate driving my laundry, detergent, bleach, and fabric softener to the building then putting it in the washing machines, then driving home, then driving back, putting it in the dryers, driving home, then driving back laying it out nicely, then driving home again and folding it all.  I go really early in the morning to avoid the waiting on washers and dryers and hoping people will come and get their clean clothes out in a reasonable amount of time.  Once I went on a Sunday afternoon and there were 3 people waiting in line and all washers/dryers full.  Another funny thing about community laundry rooms is that I always end up with some article of clothing that is not mine, usually socks.  A little pink baby sock, or some XL men's athletic socks...I never know what to do with them.  I throw the baby socks back the next time I do laundry, like little fishes in a pond, but I have been known to keep and wear other socks that have turned up in my stuff.  I told one of my co-workers this and she was so grossed out that she offered to buy me socks.  "Why?"  I said.  "I know they're clean!".  Laundry is a funny thing.  When I think of the future and my ideas of success, I think when I finally have a washer and dryer of my own and don't have to haul out my clothes to wash them, I will know I have made it. 

Lost in translation...and then some

Here are some translations I have learned for words and phrases in the South:
How tall are you? = How long you is?
Grocery cart = buggy
Car note = car payment
Birthing center = birfing center
I fainted = I done fell out
Any length of time from 5 minutes to 15 years = a minute
I have diabetes = I gots the sugar
I have hypertension = I have the high blood
Children = churruns

Also, hear are some doozies I have heard at work, some of you may recognize this from my facebook note:

 
On a triage sheet under complaint: "mind grains" [migraines]

Dr: "Are you on any medications?"
Patient: "Anti-flammables"

Nurse: "Sir, you have an STD"
Man:"what is that?"
Nurse: "A sexually transmitted disease"
Man: "How did I get that"
Nurse: "It was transmitted sexually"
Man:"So where is the infection?"
Nurse: "In your sexual organs"
Man: "In my stomach?"
Nurse: "No, sir, your sexual organs"
Man: "In my stomach?"
Nurse: "In your PENIS!"

Nurse to 80+ year-old lady in room, her husband at bedside: "We are going to undress you, would you like your husband to leave the room?"
Old Lady: 'Nah, it ain't nothin' he didn't see last night"

Me to Patient: "So what seems to be the problem?"
Pt's mother answers: "She's got an abscess on her lip"
Me looking at pt's face: "Um, well I don't really see..."
Pt's mother: Her OTHER lip
In my head: "Oh. My. God."

Conversation with concussed Marine with no short term memory:
Me: "Ok, I am going to turn around and I want you to take your pants and shirt off and put on a gown"
Marine: "Ok"
3 minutes later I get a tap on the shoulder...
Marine: "I am taking my pants off?"
Me:"Yes, ok, good"
Marine takes pants and shirt off, gets into bed
3 minutes later when his friends come into the room -
Marine: "What the hell happened to my pants?!!"

Me: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have tendonitis headaches

Me: Have you used any illegal substances in the last couple of hours?
Patient: crack cocaine, I relapsed tonight
Me: How long were you clean?
Patient: Four days

Me: Sir, your father has an STD
Elderly patient's son: What?
Me: He has trichomoniasis
Son: My mom is bedridden!
Me: He has probably had it for 40 years, don't worry about it
Son: So what is this STD?
Me (reading off of STD information handout) It's an infection of the vagina
Son: WHAT?! My father has an infection of the vagina??
Me: That's not what I meant...

Me to Tech: Did you notice that the patient in 12 smells like a french fry?
Tech: The one with the blood pressure of 210/134?
Me: Yes, that one
Tech: She has fried chicken under her bed
Me: What?!
**She seriously had a bag of fried chicken that she hid under her bed and wouldn't let us throw out. Gross. And she wonders why her BP is so high...

"You are a VAGINA!" - psych patient yelling at me
 
Triage Complaint: "Can't sleep"

Triage Complaint: "Hurt foot"
Triage Nurse: "How did you hurt your foot?"
Pt:" I was in a fight and was kicking another woman in the face with it"
Nurse: If you were in any kind of violent altercation we have to report this complaint to the police"
Pt: "Hell naw, I's a single mother and I gots warrants out on me!"

Triage complaint - Upper respiratory infection & UTI
Me to Patient - "How do you know you have an upper respiratory infection AND a UTI?"
Patient - "Because when I cough, I pee!"
 
Patient (18 year-old female) to PA: "My chestesses hurts between my breastesses"
PA: "So you are having chest pain?"
Patient: "Well, it might just be my bra..."

Written triage complaint: "Drank juice with mole in it, now sick to stomach"
Me:"You drank juice with a little animal in it? Was it alive or dead?"
Patient: "No, it had mole in it"
Me:"It had a mole in it? Do you mean MOLD?"
Patient: "Yes, that is what I said, it had mole in it!"
 
Me: "Could you describe your pain? Is it throbbing, aching, sharp, etc?"
Patient: "Hella fine"
Me: Laughing, then realized patient was serious..."Oh, sorry"

Patient: "Could I get a stick or some crunches to help me walk?" (he wanted crutches)

Patient that came in for suture removal..
Me: "Why did they put all these stitches in your back?"
Patient: "I got stabbed. It was my cousin"
Me: "What did he stab you with?"
Patient: "A knife, but it was only a pocket knife"

Patient that came in because his wife had shot him with a 12-gauge shotgun through the front door at close range: "It's only a flesh wound!!" Then he hands me a bag of pot and says "this is some gooood shit!"

Triage complaint: "Soare throat and tittis hurt"

Me to ER Doctor: "Hey! Come here!"
Doctor walks over
Me: "Sorry to yell at you like that and call you "HEY" instead of saying your name"
Doctor: "It's ok, everyone else calls me dumbass"

 Me to Pt: "I am going to draw some blood now"
Pt: "Are you gonna keep it too?"

Pt: "Oooh man, that doctor is good lookin'. If I had know y'all had handsome doctors here, I'd a come sooner!!"

5 year-old pt that EMS brought in: "You know, I am a very brave child"

Dr. to Man: "Sir, we are going to run some blood tests on your wife's heart to look at the enzymes to see if there has been any damage"
Man: "Could you put that in layman's terms?"
Dr: "I just did"
Man: "You said ENZYMES!"

Pt: "May I have a copy of my discharge instructions in English and a copy in Hispanic? I am trying to learn how to speak Hispanic."

Pt:"Don't stand too close to that lady. God is going to smote her and he might accidentally get you"

Pt: "I came to have my tattoo removed.  Obama said you would do it for free."
Different Pt: "I came to have my warts down there burned off, Obama said you would do it for free."

Me to little oriental woman who didn't speak very good English: "Do you need a work excuse?"
Little old woman: "No, I don't need one, I am already retarded."

EVERY SINGLE DAY:
Nurse or doctor: "Is there any chance you could be pregnant ma'am?"
Pt: "I don't know"
Nurse or doctor: "Are you sexually active?"
Pt: "yes"
Nurse or doctor: "Do you use birth control?"
Pt: "no"
Nurse or doctor: "That means, YES, you COULD be pregnant.  That is how babies are made."


Overheard in pt's room:
Alex Trebek on Jeopardy: "The fifth element on the periodic chart of elements"
Patient in bed: "FIRE!"

Triage slip: 'got da runs'

EMS report - patient found wandering on beach, naked, with a four-year old child...not hers

Nurse: "What brings you in tonight?"
Patient: "Sometimes, when I shake my head back and forth really really fast, it hurts" [proceeds to demonstrate]
Nurse: "Why do you shake your head like that then?"
Patient: "To clear my head!"

 

Holland is not a country

Apparently Holland is not a country, it is a region.  I looked on my map for a good 10 minutes before I finally googled it.  I was trying to visualize a train route that went from Germany, into Holland, to Paris across the channel into England.   Couldn't for the life of me find Holland. Was Holland ever a country?  That's dumb. 

Went and got a pedicure today, it was very nice.  Of course it was run by Asians, and the men did the pedicures which was nice.  I didn't have to chit chat.  Maybe my pedicurist tried to chit chat, but I couldn't understand him.  All that I could get out of his rambling was "sit still".  It wasn't my fault I was bouncing all over the place, it was a massaging chair.  Unfortunately I wasn't tall enough so the 'shoulder' massage was instead a 'brain' massage. 

My toes are now a lovely shade of coral-y pink.

And my brain is massaged.

Good work life partner

I am still in love with a piece of jewelry I bought in NYC last summer.  I wear it with everything.  My friend/life partner K had seen one before, so we trekked to the mythical land called SoHo (I think) to a little jewelry market to find our treasure.  As far as I am convinced, these are going to be the next big thing...

Marc Bernstein triple wrap bracelets...

http://www.mbernstein.com/

I heart accessories.

Insanity = same actions + expecting different results

So, I never seem to learn some things.  When am I going to learn that anything that has to do with WWII is not going to be uplifting?  I didn't learn it after seeing Life is Beautiful when I was younger, didn't learn it after reading Anne Frank's diary, still didn't learn it when I read The Book Thief, and what was I thinking, deciding to watch Into the Arms of Strangers about the child exodus in Germany last night? My dad asked me that once, when I called him crying after watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. "Dad, it was just so sad!" I remember saying. "What, you thought it was going to be uplifting?  About a concentration camp?" he said. Um...I obviously didn't think that one through.  I can't seem to help it though, I am a hopeless, insane optimist.  Most of the time it is so much easier to not expect anything good or happy or for people to go out of their way and do the right thing, but I am still flattered that my brain works that way.  I can't really think of a benefit of it, but maybe someday I will.  My optimism has taken a heavy beating at work...before my professional job, I had never had people lie to my face, try to manipulate me, steal, or abuse my kindness.  No way this person is a drug addict just trying to get narcotics, she is so nice!  I learned that lesson pretty quickly, but I guess it is still good that I expect happiness in other aspects of my life, right?

Sometimes I will be going along, thinking "man, I am doing great! I can do my own taxes, I pay all my own bills, I have a job, I have my own place" and then something hits me and I realize I am still just a kid.  Like tonight.  I pulled back the covers to get into bed and found animal crackers.  Am I seven?  Or the other day.  I shut my hair in the car door and immediately yelled "MOM!". Same thing.
     I remember when I was younger, when I shared a room with little Banana, my partner in crime.  When we would get scared I would always try to act like the grown up.  I would tell her it was going to be ok and that the noise we heard outside the window probably wasn't the banshee from Darby O'Gill and the Little People trying to get in.  Telling her that and reassuring her made me feel better.  Maybe that is what parenting will be like.  I will be scared to death but as long as I act like I have it together, eventually I will convince myself that I will get through it.  I am still so so glad that I have my parents to call though, to tell me everything is going to be alright.  That might be the best feeling in the world, someone you can talk to day or night, that will make everything better, like when my hair gets stuck in the door.  I am too lucky.

Real-life Nerd

I have been on a documentary kick lately.  The Aryan brotherhood, the Kindertransport during WWII, Japan's dolphin slaughter, babies, the secret service...I want to learn about it all.  I love sparkle-cupcake-sunshine-happily-ever-after movies, but sometimes real life is more...real.  Life is messy and sad and complicated and lonely, unlike most movies that come out today.  Documentaries show reality a little better, and they are fascinating because they are TRUE.  There are so many things I want to learn about, most don't have any use in day-to-day life, but I want to learn about them anyways.  Norse mythology, fashion, astronomy, opera, theology, medicinal plants, chupacabras, Atlantis, etiquette, how to use an abacus, trauma nursing, the ninth legion, wilderness survival, sailing....Some things I know I am terrible at and have no interest in, like keeping plants alive, reading medical journals, running long distances, camping and American history.  Oh well.

One of my new endeavors I plan on undertaking this year is swimming.  I have a free membership to the YMCA and thought that an exercise where I don't have to be on my feet (after spending 12 hours on them) would be amazing.  I have visions of myself swimming laps and feeling amazing and falling in love with exercise (something I have not been able to do in my 24 years on earth) but in reality I will probably swim two laps, then float around and practice my Martha Washington hair while singing Little Mermaid songs...if I ever make it to the pool.  The regulars are going to love me. 

Things I have learned in the South

Here is a short list of things I have learned since I moved to the South:

1) Don't use an exfoliating salt scrub on a sunburn
2) Macaroni and cheese is appropriate for EVERY occasion and holiday
3) Females over 20 = ma'am, males over 20 = sir
4) Sweet tea really is a diet staple
5) People really do eat pigs feet, frog legs, grits, okra and possum
6) Saying 'bless their heart' after anything negative about someone cancels the negativity out
7) Don't walk in the plough mud
8) Oyster shells really will cut you
9) Don't feed the seagulls
10) Firefly Vodka. How did I live so long without it?
11) If you don't have a sunglass tan line by mid-May...something is wrong with you
12) People really are named Bubba
13) Fried chicken and waffles are an acceptable meal-time combination
14) Speaking of fried...EVERYTHING can be fried
15) Golfing on a course with water holes is dangerous
16) Don't put sweet potato skins in the garbage disposal
17) Boiled peanuts, fried peanuts, salted peanuts...they are all good
18) Rain lasts for more than a few minutes and it WILL soak you to the bone
19) Magnolia trees are magnificent
20) Skinny dipping is better when the water is warm

Good peoples

Last night at work I was more impressed than ever with my co-workers.  An elderly man came in, he had just, since New Year's day, received custody of his two small grandchildren under horrific circumstances.  These little ones had basically nothing except for the clothes on their backs.  My co-workers colored, laughed, held, sang to, and played with these little ones so someone could talk to their grandfather about his circumstances and what kind of resources he had, how he was doing and what we could do to help.  The baby's diapers were changed, they were fed and washed and given medicine, love and attention.  When one of the employees walked this kind man and his grandchildren to his car, she noticed that the car seats were the wrong sizes and in bad working condition.  One of the other employees thought to ask the man if he would be willing to accept any help from us in the way of baby supplies. He said he would.  Some of the doctors got together and gave money, the employees that had had little ones themselves agreed to bring in clothes and toys they had in storage, and one of the employees took it upon herself to take the money and buy clothes, car seats, baby food and other things two small growing babies would need.  I don't know if I have ever seen everyone come together for someone in need like everyone did last night.  No questions, just love.  The grandfather's story was too sad and terrible, and him not being in good health himself, no one hesitated for a second to give these children some much needed love and gather resources to help.  I have been impressed with co-workers before, for their knowledge in a crisis situation, their professionalism, their perseverance and work-ethic, but never have I been so impressed with their compassion and love that was given so freely to this little make-shift family in need as I was last night.  I am honored to call you my co-workers and friends.  Thank you for showing me that even under the worst circumstances, people can pull together for complete strangers and for re-affirming my belief in the goodness of people.

The Good

Focusing on the good...falling asleep to the sound of rain outside my window, holding a baby, trying a new recipe.  Sixty-five more days until Harry Potter world with my favorite sister...

Confession: I like Avatar

I enjoyed the movie Avatar the first time I saw it in 3D and I still enjoy it.  I know it doesn't have the best writing, story, etc, and is just a computer animated Dancing with Wolves+Fern Gulley.  But I like it.  Got up this am and turned it on and cut out recipes...then went to the store and bought the ingredients to the Barefoot Contessa's Crunchy Noodle Salad...it is marinating and flavoring through in the fridge right now.  Hot dang, I even toasted my own sesame seeds.  Here is the recipe....I think it will be amazing.

Ina Garten Crunchy Noodle Salad

Ingredients

• Kosher salt
• 1/2 pound thin spaghetti
• 1 pound sugar snap peas
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup rice wine vinegar
• 1/3 cup soy sauce
• 3 tablespoons dark sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger
• 3 tablespoons toasted white sesame seeds, divided
• 1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
• 2 red bell peppers, cored and seeded, and thinly sliced
• 4 scallions (with and green parts), sliced diagonally
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves

Directions

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add the spaghetti and cook according to package directions. Drain and set aside.  Meanwhile, bring another large pot of salted water to a boil, add the sugar snap peas, return to a boil, and cook for 3 to 5 minutes, until crisp tender. Lift the sugar snap peas from the water with a slotted spoon and immerse them in a bowl of ice water. Drain. For the dressing, whisk together the vegetable oil, rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, sesame oil, honey, garlic, ginger, 2 tablespoons sesame seeds and peanut butter in a medium bowl. Combine the spaghetti, sugar snap peas, peppers and scallions in a large bowl. Pour the dressing over the spaghetti mixture. Add the remaining 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds and the parsley and toss together.

Now I have some homemade (duh) chocolate chip cookies baking, and then I am off the sleep before work tonight.  I watched An Education per my mom's recommendation...didn't really like anything about it except the clothing and the hair.  I think it is a good movie for a mother to recommend to a daughter because of the lessons learned in it (go to college! get a degree! don't settle for a man!) but it was a little dark.  The clothes really were beautiful though.  What happened to dressing up, anyways?  Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and An Education and other older movies or movies that take place in the past, everyone looked so nice.  All the kids were clean and dressed up and the women looked nice at Sing Sing when they went to visit, playing poker the guys look like a million bucks, when people travel they are dressed to the nines...even at sporting events people look nice!  What happened?  Or as we like to say here in the South, "wha' ha happened?"  I don't know.  Maybe if we had Edith Head to dress us for every-day life, we would look a little better.

Dag Nammit

I already missed a day.  That is what happens when you are never quite sure what day it is or what time it is.  It doesn't help that the date changes half-way through my work day (night) either. 

I have been on an old movie kick lately...The Big Sleep, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Roman Holiday, I Know Where I'm Going, How to Marry a Millionaire.  I didn't understand The Big Sleep, still have no idea what was going on, I mainly just love Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart.  For the FIRST time I understood what was going on in Breakfast at Tiffany's...ha ha ha.  I remember seeing it earlier and all I remembered was the scene at the end in the rain where Audrey Hepburn is yelling for Cat among the dumpsters.  Now, one of my favorite things was watching her clothing throughout the movie.  My favorite outfit by far is the pink sleeveless dress that she is wearing when she discovers her brother has been killed...I just googled it and it sold in an auction at Christie's in 1997 for $192,000.  In case your memory fails you, here it is:

Rainy Sunday

 Right now I am reading four different books.  I feel like books are like clothes, you don't stay in one outfit for months at a time so why would you only read one book at a time?  The choice of book I pick up depends on the setting, mood, time, weather, etc. etc.  I am reading Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis, (excellent for reading in the early morning), Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clark (excellent with a cup of tea and a down comforter on a rainy afternoon), Captains Courageous by Rudyard Kipling (I keep this one in my car for spare moments), and Reding Lolita in Tehran, by Azar Nafisi.  This one is good for all other times.

 It was an excellent day for the movies today, I went and saw The King's Speech.  It was amazing, 10 out of 10 stars.  If Colin Firth doesn't gt an academy nod for this, there is no justice left in the world.

I am stupendously horrible at chess.  I lose regularly against the computer on the level entitled 'silly'.  I feel like that should fall somewhere between 'infant' and 'pre-teen', to be followed by 'novice', 'high school graduate','average', 'I do my own taxes', 'IQs above 150 only', 'competent', 'Bobby Fischer would be mildly impressed', 'above average', 'knowledgeable' and finally, 'don't even bother'.  Picking a level to play would me so much easier if it were labeled accordingly and not just 'beginner' and 'advanced'.

Peace out cub scout.

A New Year...

So, last night I spent my New Year's eve surrounded by death, destruction, and some excellent apple-peach sparkling beverage.  What is it about the passing of time that make people act so crazy?  Automobile accident after automobile accident (alcohol induced), drug over-doses, suicide attempts, rape, aggravated assault....My co-worker said that his daddy told him that whatever state you are in at the change of the new year dictates how the rest of the year is going to go.  He said his dad always carried money in his pocket at the turn of midnight, so that in his following year, he would always have money in his pocket.  Um, right around midnight we had a patient in the trauma room and after the physician cracked the chest open I was performing open cardiac massage...so maybe this year, by that theory, I will have a lot of love in my life since I was holding a heart bringing in the new year??  That's probably it. 

This morning, when I got home from work, I turned on my computer and my GoogleNews homepage popped up.  After the night I had had, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  The words "bomb", "murder", "obesity", "mass killings", "biblical flood" and "nuclear holocaust" had shown up one too many times.  After a short search, my new homepage is the National Geographic website's Photo of the Day.  Today is a photograph of a Southern Masked Weaver.  Much better.