Some recent doozies

"I'm going to bite your bellybutton" - full grown male patient to male nurse

20 year old pysch patient: "I'm sorry nurse, I can't take these pills."
Me: "Why not?"
Patient: "Because they are going to change me and I am my OWN man.  I have my beliefs and nothing is going to change me.  I am who my OWN person.  Nothing is going to change my mind.  The doctor doesn't understand me.  I am NOT taking theses!" (holds cup of pills back out to me)
Me: "If you don't take them, the doctor will just order a shot instead."
Patient: "Oh. Ok." (takes pills)

"Why you ain't nothin' but a CHILD" - patient to me

"Where you be hurtin'?" - almost said by ME to patient...scary

"I'm going to lick your dolphin" - same full grown male patient to male nurse (male nurse had dolphin earring)

Wife of pt: "His kidneys hurt so bad they had to call the neurologist!"
Me: "You mean the nephrologist?"
Wife: "What?"

"I am going to be bringing in my sputum, urine, poop and sperm to have analyzed, ok?" - pt. over telephone to ER nurse

"Pain 10++++++++++++++++++++++" -triage slip

EMS report call at 2am "We will be transporting three female patients at this time.  The chief complaints are toothache, menstrual cramps, and one wants a pregnancy test"

EMS report: "We were called to scene for seizure, upon arrival pt appeared to be seizing and convulsing on floor.  Pt able to stop seizing when we arrived to tell us he was going to be fine, then he resumed seizing."

Patient: "I was assaulted"
Me: "With what kind of instrument?"
Patient: "A pool stick"

Nurse: "What's going on over at that bar tonight?"
Policeman: "Not much, just a few drug deals gone bad."

Patient: "This oxygen is burning my nose!  Too much, too much!!"