Gold Nuggets in the Neverending Abyss of Triage

Wife of Patient: "My husband has dimensions"

Triage complaint slips:
                  "right angle"
                  "I am thinking"
                  "car wreak"
                  "I am going to die"
                  "I don't think they priced my bellybutton right"

Me: "Could you describe how you feel?"
Patient: "Sit with your eyes crossed for 2 days.  That's how I feel."

Me: "What brings you into the ER tonight?"
Patient: "I have a headache.  My hip hurts. I have been losing weight. I am not having the same amount of poop come out of me as the food I am putting into me. I have sleep apnea.  I am adopted.  My hands are tingly.  I have a bump right here.  I had diarrhea last week."
Me: "Pick ONE."
                  
65 year-old Patient: "I get really anxious and excited and I feel like I have to run into a wall"
Me: "How long have you been feeling like this?"
Patient: "Since I was born."

Patient: "My back hurts"
Me: "How long has it been hurting you?"
Patient: "Years"

Doctor to 97 year-old patient who possibly had a stroke: "What day is it?'
Patient: "Sunday..........gotcha!  It's Tuesday!"  (it was Tuesday)

Nurse: "Why don't you get in the bed so we can take your blood pressure?"
Elderly Patient: "Why don't you take my picture?"
Nurse: "Um...?"

Patient: "My throat is hurting, so I have been sucking on a lemon with a cherry in the center of it"
Me: "Um, is that supposed to help anything?"
Patuent: "I don't know"

Mother of patient: "You can have this baby if you want her, I got six more at home."

Patient: "I had a bad dream last night."
Me: "Is that why you came to the ER?"
Patient: "No."
Me: "Okaaaay..."

Nurse in back calls me on phone: "When you triaged this lady, did you get a blood glucose?"
Me: "No, she didn't tell me she was a diabetic.  Why?"
Nurse: "She told the doctor you took it and it was 180"
Me: "That was her weight."

Me: "It says here your pulse is 250"
Patient: "Is that abnormal?"

Overheard two mothers talking: "My 9 year-old is 133 pounds."
Other mother: "Well my 9 year-old is 150 pounds."

Patient: "I have a bump on my breast.  It has been there for ages."
Me: "Is it your nipple?"
Patient: "I don't think so...."
(my sense of humor is completely lost on 99% of the people I see)