Lost in translation...and then some

Here are some translations I have learned for words and phrases in the South:
How tall are you? = How long you is?
Grocery cart = buggy
Car note = car payment
Birthing center = birfing center
I fainted = I done fell out
Any length of time from 5 minutes to 15 years = a minute
I have diabetes = I gots the sugar
I have hypertension = I have the high blood
Children = churruns

Also, hear are some doozies I have heard at work, some of you may recognize this from my facebook note:

 
On a triage sheet under complaint: "mind grains" [migraines]

Dr: "Are you on any medications?"
Patient: "Anti-flammables"

Nurse: "Sir, you have an STD"
Man:"what is that?"
Nurse: "A sexually transmitted disease"
Man: "How did I get that"
Nurse: "It was transmitted sexually"
Man:"So where is the infection?"
Nurse: "In your sexual organs"
Man: "In my stomach?"
Nurse: "No, sir, your sexual organs"
Man: "In my stomach?"
Nurse: "In your PENIS!"

Nurse to 80+ year-old lady in room, her husband at bedside: "We are going to undress you, would you like your husband to leave the room?"
Old Lady: 'Nah, it ain't nothin' he didn't see last night"

Me to Patient: "So what seems to be the problem?"
Pt's mother answers: "She's got an abscess on her lip"
Me looking at pt's face: "Um, well I don't really see..."
Pt's mother: Her OTHER lip
In my head: "Oh. My. God."

Conversation with concussed Marine with no short term memory:
Me: "Ok, I am going to turn around and I want you to take your pants and shirt off and put on a gown"
Marine: "Ok"
3 minutes later I get a tap on the shoulder...
Marine: "I am taking my pants off?"
Me:"Yes, ok, good"
Marine takes pants and shirt off, gets into bed
3 minutes later when his friends come into the room -
Marine: "What the hell happened to my pants?!!"

Me: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I have tendonitis headaches

Me: Have you used any illegal substances in the last couple of hours?
Patient: crack cocaine, I relapsed tonight
Me: How long were you clean?
Patient: Four days

Me: Sir, your father has an STD
Elderly patient's son: What?
Me: He has trichomoniasis
Son: My mom is bedridden!
Me: He has probably had it for 40 years, don't worry about it
Son: So what is this STD?
Me (reading off of STD information handout) It's an infection of the vagina
Son: WHAT?! My father has an infection of the vagina??
Me: That's not what I meant...

Me to Tech: Did you notice that the patient in 12 smells like a french fry?
Tech: The one with the blood pressure of 210/134?
Me: Yes, that one
Tech: She has fried chicken under her bed
Me: What?!
**She seriously had a bag of fried chicken that she hid under her bed and wouldn't let us throw out. Gross. And she wonders why her BP is so high...

"You are a VAGINA!" - psych patient yelling at me
 
Triage Complaint: "Can't sleep"

Triage Complaint: "Hurt foot"
Triage Nurse: "How did you hurt your foot?"
Pt:" I was in a fight and was kicking another woman in the face with it"
Nurse: If you were in any kind of violent altercation we have to report this complaint to the police"
Pt: "Hell naw, I's a single mother and I gots warrants out on me!"

Triage complaint - Upper respiratory infection & UTI
Me to Patient - "How do you know you have an upper respiratory infection AND a UTI?"
Patient - "Because when I cough, I pee!"
 
Patient (18 year-old female) to PA: "My chestesses hurts between my breastesses"
PA: "So you are having chest pain?"
Patient: "Well, it might just be my bra..."

Written triage complaint: "Drank juice with mole in it, now sick to stomach"
Me:"You drank juice with a little animal in it? Was it alive or dead?"
Patient: "No, it had mole in it"
Me:"It had a mole in it? Do you mean MOLD?"
Patient: "Yes, that is what I said, it had mole in it!"
 
Me: "Could you describe your pain? Is it throbbing, aching, sharp, etc?"
Patient: "Hella fine"
Me: Laughing, then realized patient was serious..."Oh, sorry"

Patient: "Could I get a stick or some crunches to help me walk?" (he wanted crutches)

Patient that came in for suture removal..
Me: "Why did they put all these stitches in your back?"
Patient: "I got stabbed. It was my cousin"
Me: "What did he stab you with?"
Patient: "A knife, but it was only a pocket knife"

Patient that came in because his wife had shot him with a 12-gauge shotgun through the front door at close range: "It's only a flesh wound!!" Then he hands me a bag of pot and says "this is some gooood shit!"

Triage complaint: "Soare throat and tittis hurt"

Me to ER Doctor: "Hey! Come here!"
Doctor walks over
Me: "Sorry to yell at you like that and call you "HEY" instead of saying your name"
Doctor: "It's ok, everyone else calls me dumbass"

 Me to Pt: "I am going to draw some blood now"
Pt: "Are you gonna keep it too?"

Pt: "Oooh man, that doctor is good lookin'. If I had know y'all had handsome doctors here, I'd a come sooner!!"

5 year-old pt that EMS brought in: "You know, I am a very brave child"

Dr. to Man: "Sir, we are going to run some blood tests on your wife's heart to look at the enzymes to see if there has been any damage"
Man: "Could you put that in layman's terms?"
Dr: "I just did"
Man: "You said ENZYMES!"

Pt: "May I have a copy of my discharge instructions in English and a copy in Hispanic? I am trying to learn how to speak Hispanic."

Pt:"Don't stand too close to that lady. God is going to smote her and he might accidentally get you"

Pt: "I came to have my tattoo removed.  Obama said you would do it for free."
Different Pt: "I came to have my warts down there burned off, Obama said you would do it for free."

Me to little oriental woman who didn't speak very good English: "Do you need a work excuse?"
Little old woman: "No, I don't need one, I am already retarded."

EVERY SINGLE DAY:
Nurse or doctor: "Is there any chance you could be pregnant ma'am?"
Pt: "I don't know"
Nurse or doctor: "Are you sexually active?"
Pt: "yes"
Nurse or doctor: "Do you use birth control?"
Pt: "no"
Nurse or doctor: "That means, YES, you COULD be pregnant.  That is how babies are made."


Overheard in pt's room:
Alex Trebek on Jeopardy: "The fifth element on the periodic chart of elements"
Patient in bed: "FIRE!"

Triage slip: 'got da runs'

EMS report - patient found wandering on beach, naked, with a four-year old child...not hers

Nurse: "What brings you in tonight?"
Patient: "Sometimes, when I shake my head back and forth really really fast, it hurts" [proceeds to demonstrate]
Nurse: "Why do you shake your head like that then?"
Patient: "To clear my head!"